The Fatal Flaw

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I'm moving on.

I'll still come here in the event of large emotional distress... but for the most part, I'm migrating to my nomadlife address.

Give me a holla if you want the link.

Make Notes

Currently afraid of:
Not being able to let go (of anything)
Empty promises
Being blind

Currently grateful for:
Maturity and age
Cynicism and pessimism
Keeping busy

Currently pissed off about:
Limitations (as usual)
Unknown dependencies

Random thoughts:
First things first... have to get them out of the way.

I'm beginning to regret taking on the roles that I've taken on in @. There's so little time to do everything.

There's just three weeks left until RoKS. We don't even have a hotel yet, even though we're supposed to have one nailed down by Friday. Thomas is working as hard as he can but he's got a job and like 20 hours of classes on top of that. Tiffany seems to be pulling everything off so far, but she hasn't actually started work yet. Meanwhile Thomas basically has no free time on the weekend. Bless his heart. There's so much pressure on us to perform, now that we know we're going to be getting such big delegations from the various LCs, and then tonight I hear from Charlie that Miami@Ohio is coming to our RoKS instead of the Rowdies regional RoKS. Jesus fucking christ. Richard is heading out Marketing. I don't think he has any idea what the hell he's doing. Then again, I really don't either. I have to set up a payment system for RoKS next week. But I'm getting ahead of myself; I have to set up a budget and stuff before then too so I know what to charge people. I also still have to look for sponsors and grants. And I have a week to do this, if even, because of deadlines and bureaucracy associated with that kind of stuff. And it's already fucking Wednesday of this week.

RoKS is a fucking clusterfuck. Everyone's expecting so much out of us 5. And if not, it's definitely still how I perceive it. Everytime I see the beginnings of a zit, I just think inwardly to myself "Yup, that's a RoKS zit."

Finance for the LC in general isn't as rushed, but it's still pretty fucking scary. Amy really threw me for a loop today when she was asking me about all the figures that I had no idea about. I didn't even think to consider them. Here I am, wanting to set up a budget for the year and semester, and I haven't even considered a bunch of these costs and incomes. So now I have to track down: 1) Clarali to find out the state of our national account, 2) whoever's managing the C.H.Robinson and ING accounts to find out how much we're getting from those TN fees, and 3) whoever the fuck knows the specific numbers on all the various transactions. This is all for the next meeting, by the way, where hopefully we'll also iron out something to tell the alumni regarding the international conference grant.

Oh, and I still have to make a form for reimbursements. Yay.

Enough of @. At least on a businessey level.

Anyway, regarding that last post I made.
... yeah. I realized I need to actually say something here or else I'll look back on that day in several years and wonder what the hell happened.

Essentially, everything could be solved if I had a way to escape from the @ house without having to wait on someone else. Whether that be me being able to drive myself home, or actually having a room in the other house to be able to retreat to, it doesn't really matter. I just need to be able to get out when I need to.

But where does the reasoning lie? Well, in hindsight, I feel stupid about the childness of it all. And in reality, it really is something that shouldn't be a problem. But what can I say? I'm a fool, I'll be the first to admit it.

I hate being the token. It's nice to joke about and stuff, but deep down it's very alienating. Normally it's not even something that I think about, but in situations like that? It's hard to predict when it'll come out and ruin your night. That night I was telling everyone that I was sick the entire night, but in truth, it was my first experience as a sad drunk. I didn't want to do a damn thing and I didn't want to see anyone. But I was stuck at the house. I realized later that back home I'm normally not the token... there's always more of us around. And even if I don't know them directly, there's a kinship there that makes you feel at home. That's why I haven't felt this way until recently. I'm getting to the same level of comfort with @ that I have with my friends back home... but this one facet of it all doesn't exist.

The damage has been done. It's now out of the question for me to come out to them.

*shudder* I just remembered. At some point during that night I was leaning against the counter by myself, munching on pretzels and trying to cheer up. Paul was sobering up and came up to me to try and engage me in conversation. Why? Who knows. Anyway, Tiffany came by and basically scared him off by asking the two of us something along the lines of "Do you find him attractive? Watch out, he wants to get into your pants!" She was drunk, of course. At the time I couldn't do anything but ask her "what the fuck?" in bewildered looks. Paul himself was just swearing heterosexuality and backing into the swarm of dancing girls. If anyone else were watching it they'd probably think it was funny. And I guess it was. But at the time, it was unsettling. Why? I'm not sure. I wasn't offended or hurt or anything. But the entire situation was burned into my memory. I don't remember any other sequence of events that night with the same clarity that I have for this one. That's got to mean something.

I love how this organization is taking over my life, scholastically, socially, and emotionally. Note the sarcasm in that last statement.


Anyway, I've been thinking about life again. It comes and goes, as I'm sure I've said at some point. I saw the end of Contact again, and I can't get that image at the end of the movie out of my head. To me, it's the basis for the perfect metaphor for life. You're sitting in the middle of nature, staring up at the stars or across the earth, and you get caught up in the moment. And then... you're gone, even though everything's still the same.

I can't convey the depth of this with any justice. I'll do it later.

Read 1 Note -Make Notes

Random thoughts:
I can't ever go to an AIESEC social ever again. Going to the house itself is going to be an issue too. At least until I get my car here and I can drive myself home whenever I need to.

I don't want to get into it here. If you're curious, come talk to me.






I hate my life.

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Random thoughts:
It's all just a blur now...

Is this really how I envision my life?
Am I so afraid of the unknown that I will say yes? Or more importantly, will I really say no and become what I aspire for and dread at the same time?

There's give... and there's take. There's accept... and there's release.
Where do I go from here?

To stay is so easy... but it's an easy that carries on day after day and week after week and year after year until it all compounds into something very hard. And to go is so hard... but then it's the epitome of easy. Because what would you care anyway, once you're gone?

There's so much to be done. There's so little to be done. At the same time, there's nothing to do. But everything begs to be done at the very same time.

Some things are trickier than we'd like to believe. We'll probably never know if there's other life out there in the universe... just like we'll probably never fully comprehend love and all its trappings. When all's said and done... can we accept the inevitability of both on equal footing?

I was never meant to have. You never even wanted. He always seemed to have. She never even knew. And they just don't seem to care.


Nothing was ever meant to be. But this... will always linger.

Make Notes

Currently afraid of:
Forging ahead into the haze of tomorrow
Appearances

Currently grateful for:
A chance
A specific snowball's chance in a certain Hell

Currently pissed off about:
Isaiah Washington

Random thoughts:
VPFinance. It's official.

Yay me.

I'm excited I guess. I mean, it's not like I'm making this out to be more than it is. The spot needed to be filled; no one else applied. I'm not trying to discredit myself or the role either. But it's hard to get THAT excited about it.

Lots of ideas to try, lots of people/places to talk to. Should be a busy semester.

In other news, I still feel like a fool. Why, and how, you ask? Name something. Chances are I feel utterly stupid or unprepared or ignorant about it. I feel like a tired cynic, and yet I feel like a rosy cheeked virgin.

This is probably what adulthood is all about, eh?

I just got back from Preston's send-off to Spain. It wasn't nearly as flamboyant and festive as Mohammed's, but then again today is Thursday. We still smoked and we still drank, though. Just not quite as much. But I'm getting off track already. I got back at like 1:30am and was ready to go to sleep, but I started to listening to music, and as usual, I got lost in thought and ended up wandering around on the internetz. I ended up here after making a half-assed attempt to do something with my MySpace. I don't even know why. I waste enough of my time managing my 4+ unique email addresses, Facebook, and now I have @ stuff to plan and execute. I feel like I'm putting off sleep again. I really don't want to become an insomniac again, but it seems like it's showing up on the horizon.

That is not an experience that I want to have again.

Well it looks like I've run out of things to say.

Let's look at the TV now, shall we?

Read 1 Note -Make Notes

Currently afraid of:
Missing my cue
Waiting in the wings

Currently grateful for:
Sitting backstage and not giving a damn
Friends and good spirits (both kinds)
24hour Chinese take-out

Currently pissed off about:
Lack of a warning system
Hitting the ground running with no shoes on

Random thoughts:
Life's so entrenched in the concept of trade-offs that it's a bit overwhelming.

I've been ranting and raving about my life and its lack of direction or purpose. Now that I feel like I have some semblance of an idea of what and why, I seem to have no time to figure out the matters of how and </i>when</i>. I don't even want to say exactly what that direction and purpose is; call me superstitious, but there's no telling how long this will last, and I don't want to jinx it. This thing hit me so hard that it nearly knocked the wind out of me. It almost feels like it's been forced on me against my will, even though I know that's not possible. But the sheer bluntness and speed in which it occurred was simply stunning.

I guess I don't have much else to talk about.

It's times like these that I'm really grateful that I'm one of those people that don't mind being inconsequential in the grand scheme of history. I wouldn't mind if my name didn't appear anywhere in any history book. I don't need my name on any building, on any plaque adorning any monument. I don't even care if my progeny have no stories to tell about me to their own. That's the one part of my life where I've taken a very willing trade-off: notoriety for peace of mind. You only get one life (something I'm still reconciling), so why bother with illusions of grandeur? If you're going to try so hard to influence everything around you, then you're ignoring yourself and your own well-being. You should watch out for yourself first, and your own happiness and fulfillment.

Maybe that makes me a bad person. I guess I'd be ok with that too. If the rest of the world think I'm evil and deserve to die, I'd die content with the fact that I lived life the way I wanted to, and that I was secure enough in my values and beliefs that I never wavered.

Hm. That sounded like a life purpose/direction. Maybe I'm putting too much thought into this kind of thing. Or then again maybe I'm not putting in enough.


Damn it's lonely out here.


Show me love...
Show me life
Baby, show me what it's all about...

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Random thoughts:
I'm so afraid of death.

But I'm so afraid of life.

Where does that leave me?

Make Notes

Currently afraid of:
Need

Currently grateful for:
Want

Currently pissed off about:
Avarice

Random thoughts:
Went to Vortex tonight. It's such good stuff. The Austin @ers went with us. It's amazing how motivated you can get for something just by interacting with other people who have been so thoroughly entrenched in it themselves. For as long as I can remember I had no interest at all in recruitment... but after hearing Rusty's suggestions on recruitment and retention, I can honestly say I'm ready to jump right into the recruitment efforts.

Justin's dog fell asleep against me tonight at the @ house. I was a bit unnerved by it when it happened; after spazzing out for no apparent reason the lil thing jumped up on the couch and nuzzled up against my side and promptly conked out. I can't remember the last time something slept so closely to me, much less someone. It was a strangely nostalgic moment, and even though everyone else in the room was making merry with stories of "Dick in a Box" and the surgery game that Justin was demonstrating on his Wii, I found myself caught up in the tiny microcosm that was just me and Butters, the dog. I was touched, I suppose, in the stereotypical sappy way that people experience it in movies when they see the birth of a child or the marriage of two close friends. I found myself a smidge depressed. In that brief moment before Justin spirited away his dog to go to bed, I wanted nothing more than to have someone of my own I could sleep with.

It's a really odd situation. It's like a drug, I guess. I love having a bed all to myself so that I can roll around and splay out my arms and legs. The thought of keeping sleep a solitary activity was natural to the point where anything else just felt wrong. But I have a feeling that the more I get accustomed to the touch of someone else beside me before I drift into sleep, the more I'll want it... and need it.

A mixed blessing, I guess you could call it?

Make Notes

I'm resuming what I imagine I had done in the past... recording quotes and bits that inspire, excite, provoke, and humble me. I say "imagine" because it feels natural that I would have started something like this in the past. I suppose I could go back all the way to my very first tabby post and work my way forward just to check, but it's no matter. This is a new beast I'm creating. And it only makes sense now to do it now that I've rediscovered a joy for reading.

Ewert would be proud.



"He glowered and sighed to himself, eyes still closed. Slowly, he stood up and glanced up at her friends, who were obviously not enjoying their coffee, but pretended to be enthralled in the process of drinking it, nevertheless."

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