Currently afraid of:
Missing my cue
Waiting in the wings

Currently grateful for:
Sitting backstage and not giving a damn
Friends and good spirits (both kinds)
24hour Chinese take-out

Currently pissed off about:
Lack of a warning system
Hitting the ground running with no shoes on

Random thoughts:
Life's so entrenched in the concept of trade-offs that it's a bit overwhelming.

I've been ranting and raving about my life and its lack of direction or purpose. Now that I feel like I have some semblance of an idea of what and why, I seem to have no time to figure out the matters of how and </i>when</i>. I don't even want to say exactly what that direction and purpose is; call me superstitious, but there's no telling how long this will last, and I don't want to jinx it. This thing hit me so hard that it nearly knocked the wind out of me. It almost feels like it's been forced on me against my will, even though I know that's not possible. But the sheer bluntness and speed in which it occurred was simply stunning.

I guess I don't have much else to talk about.

It's times like these that I'm really grateful that I'm one of those people that don't mind being inconsequential in the grand scheme of history. I wouldn't mind if my name didn't appear anywhere in any history book. I don't need my name on any building, on any plaque adorning any monument. I don't even care if my progeny have no stories to tell about me to their own. That's the one part of my life where I've taken a very willing trade-off: notoriety for peace of mind. You only get one life (something I'm still reconciling), so why bother with illusions of grandeur? If you're going to try so hard to influence everything around you, then you're ignoring yourself and your own well-being. You should watch out for yourself first, and your own happiness and fulfillment.

Maybe that makes me a bad person. I guess I'd be ok with that too. If the rest of the world think I'm evil and deserve to die, I'd die content with the fact that I lived life the way I wanted to, and that I was secure enough in my values and beliefs that I never wavered.

Hm. That sounded like a life purpose/direction. Maybe I'm putting too much thought into this kind of thing. Or then again maybe I'm not putting in enough.


Damn it's lonely out here.


Show me love...
Show me life
Baby, show me what it's all about...