Currently afraid of:
Not being able to let go (of anything)
Empty promises
Being blind

Currently grateful for:
Maturity and age
Cynicism and pessimism
Keeping busy

Currently pissed off about:
Limitations (as usual)
Unknown dependencies

Random thoughts:
First things first... have to get them out of the way.

I'm beginning to regret taking on the roles that I've taken on in @. There's so little time to do everything.

There's just three weeks left until RoKS. We don't even have a hotel yet, even though we're supposed to have one nailed down by Friday. Thomas is working as hard as he can but he's got a job and like 20 hours of classes on top of that. Tiffany seems to be pulling everything off so far, but she hasn't actually started work yet. Meanwhile Thomas basically has no free time on the weekend. Bless his heart. There's so much pressure on us to perform, now that we know we're going to be getting such big delegations from the various LCs, and then tonight I hear from Charlie that Miami@Ohio is coming to our RoKS instead of the Rowdies regional RoKS. Jesus fucking christ. Richard is heading out Marketing. I don't think he has any idea what the hell he's doing. Then again, I really don't either. I have to set up a payment system for RoKS next week. But I'm getting ahead of myself; I have to set up a budget and stuff before then too so I know what to charge people. I also still have to look for sponsors and grants. And I have a week to do this, if even, because of deadlines and bureaucracy associated with that kind of stuff. And it's already fucking Wednesday of this week.

RoKS is a fucking clusterfuck. Everyone's expecting so much out of us 5. And if not, it's definitely still how I perceive it. Everytime I see the beginnings of a zit, I just think inwardly to myself "Yup, that's a RoKS zit."

Finance for the LC in general isn't as rushed, but it's still pretty fucking scary. Amy really threw me for a loop today when she was asking me about all the figures that I had no idea about. I didn't even think to consider them. Here I am, wanting to set up a budget for the year and semester, and I haven't even considered a bunch of these costs and incomes. So now I have to track down: 1) Clarali to find out the state of our national account, 2) whoever's managing the C.H.Robinson and ING accounts to find out how much we're getting from those TN fees, and 3) whoever the fuck knows the specific numbers on all the various transactions. This is all for the next meeting, by the way, where hopefully we'll also iron out something to tell the alumni regarding the international conference grant.

Oh, and I still have to make a form for reimbursements. Yay.

Enough of @. At least on a businessey level.

Anyway, regarding that last post I made.
... yeah. I realized I need to actually say something here or else I'll look back on that day in several years and wonder what the hell happened.

Essentially, everything could be solved if I had a way to escape from the @ house without having to wait on someone else. Whether that be me being able to drive myself home, or actually having a room in the other house to be able to retreat to, it doesn't really matter. I just need to be able to get out when I need to.

But where does the reasoning lie? Well, in hindsight, I feel stupid about the childness of it all. And in reality, it really is something that shouldn't be a problem. But what can I say? I'm a fool, I'll be the first to admit it.

I hate being the token. It's nice to joke about and stuff, but deep down it's very alienating. Normally it's not even something that I think about, but in situations like that? It's hard to predict when it'll come out and ruin your night. That night I was telling everyone that I was sick the entire night, but in truth, it was my first experience as a sad drunk. I didn't want to do a damn thing and I didn't want to see anyone. But I was stuck at the house. I realized later that back home I'm normally not the token... there's always more of us around. And even if I don't know them directly, there's a kinship there that makes you feel at home. That's why I haven't felt this way until recently. I'm getting to the same level of comfort with @ that I have with my friends back home... but this one facet of it all doesn't exist.

The damage has been done. It's now out of the question for me to come out to them.

*shudder* I just remembered. At some point during that night I was leaning against the counter by myself, munching on pretzels and trying to cheer up. Paul was sobering up and came up to me to try and engage me in conversation. Why? Who knows. Anyway, Tiffany came by and basically scared him off by asking the two of us something along the lines of "Do you find him attractive? Watch out, he wants to get into your pants!" She was drunk, of course. At the time I couldn't do anything but ask her "what the fuck?" in bewildered looks. Paul himself was just swearing heterosexuality and backing into the swarm of dancing girls. If anyone else were watching it they'd probably think it was funny. And I guess it was. But at the time, it was unsettling. Why? I'm not sure. I wasn't offended or hurt or anything. But the entire situation was burned into my memory. I don't remember any other sequence of events that night with the same clarity that I have for this one. That's got to mean something.

I love how this organization is taking over my life, scholastically, socially, and emotionally. Note the sarcasm in that last statement.


Anyway, I've been thinking about life again. It comes and goes, as I'm sure I've said at some point. I saw the end of Contact again, and I can't get that image at the end of the movie out of my head. To me, it's the basis for the perfect metaphor for life. You're sitting in the middle of nature, staring up at the stars or across the earth, and you get caught up in the moment. And then... you're gone, even though everything's still the same.

I can't convey the depth of this with any justice. I'll do it later.